You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
