I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
