Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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