Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
