how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
