If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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