Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
