if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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