Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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