I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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