I just threw up on my dentist
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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