She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
