i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
