he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
