i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
