Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
