i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
