I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
