you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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