she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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