thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
