And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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