I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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