I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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