dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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