You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
