I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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