I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
