she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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