can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
