That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
