The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
