I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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