You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
