I feel like abortions should bother me more
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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