i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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