WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
