So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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