In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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