So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
