Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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