he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
