I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
