I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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