may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
