Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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