1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
