i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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