last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
