Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
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