There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
