I think scott just propositioned me for sex
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
