Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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