yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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