I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
