PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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