My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
