Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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