I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
